EDD

My EDD have come and gone for both my angels.  I think the days leading up to them were the worst.  That and having a baby born on each of the days :(.  They are friends and I am happy for them but it hurst knowing I should have a 13 month old and a 2 week old.  I have good days and bad days just like anyone else would.  Its still hard because I want to talk about them.  I want people to know what an impact they made on my life even for the short time they were here.  I also know that it hurts.  And sometimes I just wish there was an easy way to make the hurt go away.  I wish I could just poof be better.  Sometimes when I get frustrated with the kids I think "this is why they were taken from me".  But I know that isn't true.  I just have less patience lately.  I need to work on it.  I feel better now that my EDD's have passed.

Oct 15th Infant loss remembrance

The code for the above graphic and additional awareness information can be found at Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Pregnancy. Special thanks to AK_Sapphire for providing them!Help spread the word by posting both of the above buttons. You can help raise awareness by also reading and following some or all of the suggestions in the post below, which was graciously and eloquently written by the lovely Antigone.


October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.
Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.
On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let' s help pass H.R. 5979. 

Action Steps:
Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word
Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.
Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."
GOAL:1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

June 8th

I thought of CJ today. Of how he would be turning one in just a couple months. Of how he would be crawling all over the place. Strange that it just randomly hit me that I would have a 10 month old right now if he had been born....
Or be in my third trimester if Rose was still with us....

Why?

May 27th

Sunday we started BCP . We have made the decision that at least for the next year we will do that and then see how we are dealing. Right now with DH having his medical stuff we are just overwhelmed. So as of now we are done trying  and it breaks my heart. I just want to be holding my babies. Not sitting here, going to a counselor trying to work through my grief of yet another lost angel, taken to soon. I think tonight is just a rough night. I just miss them alot right now. I realized today that next week would have been my 3rd trimester mark. Perhaps that is what is really got me down tonight....perhaps.

May 8th

Its only been two months since we lost Rose. It feels so much longer. It feels like a lifetime ago. So much has changed, about me, about my family. I just couldn't believe it when I read my ticker today. I thought for sure it had been longer. No wonder I am still having a hard time with it. I guess the fact that everyone wants me to just get over it and "gesh are you still upset about that" attitudes make me think its been longer. Its been a year since we lost CJ .

My story

CJ wasn't a planned pregnancy. But I was so happy and excited just the same. I had been wanting another child to join our family. Another baby. It started as my others had. Spotting, stressing but that was nothing new. I had no reason to not share our good news. We were having another baby, how wonderful. I went in at 13 weeks. Good strong heartbeat. Wohoo Second trimester we were in the clear 6 more months and he would be with us. I was making appointments for testing and soon the big u/s we all dream of. Then at 15 weeks I had some cramping... I thought I was over reacting. It stopped but I called the dr anyway. We went in, they couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler. I started to worry. They couldn't find it with the u/s machine. I started to freak. The midwife went and got a dr to double check. I started to cry . We went over to the hospital for one last check. CJ had passed within a couple days of that last appointment. It took two weeks for my body to realize anything was wrong . I was scheduled for a D&C for the 27th of February 2009. It was either that or Labor and Delivery and I didn't think I could go through labor and not bring my baby home. I was devastated. I mean we were in our second trimester... chances of loss are like 1%. How did this happen?

Months went by. My body was so out of whack. I went back to the dr. I wasn't taking any chances. I wanted another baby. There was a polyp on my uterus. So when I should have been delivering CJ I was having another D&C to remove the polyp. I thought for sure we would be pregnant by the end of September. We never had trouble before. But to add insult to injury we weren't. In fact it took us 5 months to get pregnant again. For some that may seem like nothing. But when you have a loss it seems like forever.

So December 2009 we are finally pregnant again. I am so excited. I have faith that everything is going to work different this time. This baby is coming home with me I just know it. Things started like they always do. Spotting, only this time it was so much more worrisome. So we wait and we pray. At 7 weeks we see a beautiful heartbeat. Baby is growing and doing well. Things are going to be different I tell myself. My 12 week appointment got canceled. I was so upset I just wanted some piece of mind and to hear the heartbeat. It wasn't to be. They couldn't find it on the doppler. I was trying not to panic (given my history). They couldn't find it on the u/s, or did they, they just didn't know. So the nurse got the dr. The doctor did an internal with the new machine. Nothing.... I started to cry . I knew, it had happened again. They sent me to the hospital for another u/s to confirm. Rose had passed away only 2 days before at 12 weeks exactly. I was devastated. My heart in shatters. How could it happen again? Twice so far into our pregnancies. So on Monday February 20, 2010 we lost Rose, we had another D&C since we were so far along.

Both CJ and Rose were due in August. CJ was due August 17, 2009 and Rose was due August 30, 2010. They were both conceived within weeks of each other a year apart. And lost a week different a year apart. Its a weird connection. I know that we will avoid those months for conception/delivery like the plague if we decide to try again. Right now I am torn between my desire to have another baby and my fear of another loss.

A journal might be more healing than I know. Well I think that is my story. As I need to talk I guess I will write more.